This is hard for me to talk about or articulate without sounding like I'm pointing fingers so I'll just preface it with this, it was not working for me and it was ultimately making me miserable. So miserable in fact that I didn't feel like myself, I felt like a carbon copy of who I thought God wanted me to be. Who other girls I admired were, I thought I need to be them, feel the way they did and only then was I living in accordance with what God desired and expected and I couldn't do it any longer. I had reached a point where my life was a series of rules and although there was some freedom there I was constantly questioning and chastising myself.
I had boxed up all secular books, cd's television shows, and movies. I had this idea of what I needed to do every day in order to be "right" with God, read the Bible for at least this amount of time, say only these things, feel this way, don't feel that way and most of this stemmed from my own lack of understanding and instead I focused and followed one view point. Without naming names this view point, person, book, whatever you want to call it instructed me to do all of these things that I was doing and ultimately it just wasn't for me and I wasn't happy. I couldn't get them out of my mind though, I struggled for months trying to reconcile who I was, my unique and awkward personality that clashed with what these people taught and proved with the Bible and who I thought I needed to be and I couldn't reconcile the two. So I took a break. I'm not the kind of person that could still read the Bible but ignore certain parts but those certain parts, I couldn't understand. It didn't compute.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17

Well what if I wanted to watch a movie that was secular, was that sinning? Of course it was, according to that verse, unless I was watching something like an animated Disney movie or something else rated PG. And eventually I wanted to dye my hair or or listen to Taylor Swift and it didn't match up with those things therefore I just could not keep doing it, and failing. And beating myself up for failing and not desiring the things I was supposed to desire. And that made me miserable and feel worthless and compare myself to people who did desire those things and were happy. So what was wrong with me? I figured I just wasn't cut out for Christianity. I never stopped believing in God or how real he was, ever, but I stopped trying to follow him because I didn't know how to do it and still be who I was.
Two things I lacked back then that I identified recently are from Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz," needing to accept God's grace and understand that Christianity is not a formula and realizing that I can't do things without God. I can't suddenly not want to use foul language and skip reading my Bible on my own because that is my natural inclination.

"I was a fundamentalist Christian once. It lasted a summer. I was in that same place of trying to discipline myself to "behave" as if I loved light and not "behave" as if I loved darkness. I used to get really ticked about preachers who talked too much about grace, because they tempted me to not be disciplined." Donald Miller Blue Like Jazz

This is the only one no one follows.
I don't like myself, repeat repeat repeat.

I thought the adderall would help but it just made me crank which my mom said probably means I don't have ADD.
Then what is it? Just the overwhelming sense of failure. I am failure. I want to do things but I don't and there is apparently no excuse or reason for the feeling that comes when i should be doing them.

I hate how I sound and I hate that I sound this way. I hate how I am, I hate who I am. I hate what I do and what I don't do. I know what I want to be but I can't achieve it and no one gets it.
Maybe no one should, maybe I am a burnout, loser, failure, lazy, stupid, whiny.

I can't shake it. I let mom into my depression a week or so ago and she was nice, and kind and not judgemental and it was wonderful but since then I suppose she forgot or though I got over it. I try to hide it, if I don't then it just makes people around me have more probelems. Oh what's wrong Chelsea, why do you feel that way Chelsea, why don't you just do it Chelsea, Chelsea just pray Chelsea Jesus is there.
Well you know what I don't feel him. Yet another area in my life that I have failed. It's loneliness and shame and self hatred. It's a cycle that isn't constant but it's there enough to be consistently a problem, to be ongoing. Just because I'm in this horrible state doesn't mean that I can't laugh and act like and perhaps at times even feel like everything is fine. When I'm not thinking about what I'm not doing things are alright.
I'm not.
Chelsea, if you're going to be on your computer then you should write your paper. Make wise choices, Chelsea.
Said to me just now.
Oh ok, wise choices, maybe if I made those I would feel better. I get that! I do. That's the thing, I see what and who I could be and be doing but I can't do it. Why? Am I that lazy that I make myself miserable because I don't do the things that I want or should do?

Nobody gets it. I don't get it. I just want to be a different person please. Brain and heart transplant, replace the soul also. Just give it all electric shock therapy.

I can't breathe inside.

I never would have thought you'd have to learn expression; maybe the good writing only comes from objectivism; sociology is more complex than people watching while eating your sandwich though I wish it weren't; does everyone have a placebo; what are the words that come to mind when you see the most marvelous sunset of your life, are you at a loss for something that is worthy and existent in your language, that is a fraction of what the Kingdom of God will look like; maybe I know who I'm going to marry, or maybe it's just me, so i'm trying to keep those thoughts at a distance; why do people say "your" welcome but also "you are" welcome, they are not synonyms for each other, so which one is correct.

I'm so bored I take anything.

I want anything.

I'm 19 years old, stop making me prove my illnesses.

A week or so ago I thought I was going to die.

Sometimes I still feel that way.

Nothing substantial holding me down here, I might as well float up.

Up. Up. Up.

My funeral would be small.

I'm a fake.

I only like one of my fingers.

you'd like to work and not conform.

we can't always get that.

why can't we all be as soft as petals?

i saw some hibiscus flowers at walmart today, 

they were dead.

and i used to hate those flowers.

if the bones in my fingers ache and the skin is numb, i am cold.

we woke up to snow this morning. snow is usually a suprise here, it says it will rain but then it becomes too cold and the rain freezes and we're all glad.

maybe because dreary weather mirrors how i feel, i enjoy it.

it gives me an excuse, a reason for my feelings.

for not wanting to move

for sulking about how no matter how charming my cover letters are no one hires me.

and how i will eventually run out of money and may be forced to work at mcdonalds....

nahhh

depression, mild:

water, warm

soap, dove

pyjamas, cotton nightgown

cocoa, hot

"bed," down

escape, television

tomorrow:

arise and try to make it better

 if not successful lather rinse and repeat, make necessary adjustments and  duplicate coping mechanism

sorry:

 my hands, cold

and back, sore

okay, it will be

matters, nothing

Summer:

In the summer it's warm. I open all the windows and let the vintage curtains blow in and out with the breeze.

We have a porch to smoke hypothetical cigarettes on, we'll find some that don't harm us.

Cut off men's jean shorts with every type of shirt every day.

Long dresses from the nineties, hair tied up in braids and bobby pins.

Sweet tea and old bookshelves from all over.

A safe haven for good cats.

A yard big enough for painting projects, canvas and furniture.

It's ok, it'll be fine. 

So things aren't scary we'll have a nice church. 

So we don't feel lost we'll read our Bibles.

Fresh fruit we can do this for a while.

minute details, an income, transportation.

more important that being physically lost is not even being able to find yourself within yourself.